im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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