Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
