I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
