I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
