You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
