I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
