ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
