I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
