Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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