Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
