i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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