New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
