So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
