I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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