dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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