Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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