Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
