If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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