I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
