the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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