Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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