the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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