Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
