She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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