My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
