I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's rum buckets o'clock
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
