btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
