all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
