a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
