you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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