You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
