4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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