So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
