Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
