everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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