I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
