Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
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