The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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