alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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