You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
