My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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