Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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