Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
