my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
