Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
