i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
