I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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