I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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