I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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