sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
